Five Game Parlay: Week 17
And it all comes down to this! The final week of the NFL regular season is also the last week of the Five Game Parlay. It looks like we have our winner already set, but I guess stranger things have happened. That's a good show that Stranger Things, and it is definitely more entertaining than these five clowns trying to pick football games. Let's get right to the standings and the picks on New Year's Eve and the end of the 2017 NFL schedule.
Baltimore Ravens -9.5 over Cincinnati Bengals. If they win, they’re in. Simple as that! The Ravens know what’s at stake in this game and I expect them to not only show up to play but show the rest of the league that they will be a team that you won’t want to meet in the playoffs.
Tennessee Titans -6 over Jacksonville Jaguars. The Titans currently hold the other AFC wildcard spot. The Jaguars have clinched a playoff spot and cannot be seeded any higher than they currently are at 3. I expect the Jags to rest most of their big names and get ready for Wildcard Weekend. Who knows, if the Titans win this game we might see the same game again next week in Jacksonville.
Atlanta Falcons -3.5 over Carolina Panthers. Atlanta is currently in the sixth spot in the NFC with the Seahawks breathing down their necks trying to get in. Creepy right? Seattle is hosting a Cardinals team who season ends this Sunday. The Falcons NEED to win to keep the Seahawks out. And I know a certain editor who will be ecstatic if that happens… (Editor’s Note: DOWN WITH THE SHEHAWKS!)
New York Jets +15.5 over New England Patriots. In my first of two picks I’m calling “If you want it bad enough it just might happen”, I’m picking the Jets to not only NOT lose by 15.5 points but hoping they can somehow pull the upset of the year and with nothing else to play for this season BEAT the Pats in New England….Hey, I need this ok?! I know this is HIGHLY unlikely but a man can dream, right?
Pittsburgh Steelers -13.5 over Cleveland Browns. IF the Jets beat the Patriots AND the Steelers beat the Browns, the Steelers have the number 1 seed in the AFC half of the playoffs and the road to the Super Bowl runs though Pittsburgh. I’m calling a repeat of their performance on Christmas Day; The Steelers jump out BIG early and pull their starters so they can watch the Patriots/Jets game.
Christmas is now in the books and I cleaned up with toys! Santa must not have had both eyes on me because I was not exactly what some would call “good” this year. Oh well, his loss was my gain and I got some kick ass toys. I will tell you about them in my game breakdowns.
Green Bay Packers (+7) over Detroit Lions. One of the hot toys this year was a “Fingerling” and I got a monkey one. My dad hates the noise it makes, which honestly makes me love it even more. My dad gave a “finger” to the Detroit Lions for losing last week and getting eliminated from the playoffs. It was his middle finger.
Carolina Panthers (+3.5) over Atlanta Falcons. I’m kind of into super heroes right now, so the jolly man left me large Bat Man and Super Man figures. While I’m not a huge Cam Newton fan, he calls himself Super Man and I think he and the Panthers are good enough, and motivated enough, to the beat the Falcons. Now if I can only figure out how to use his X-Ray vision...
New England Patriots (-15) over New York Jets. Tinker Toys. I’m not really a fan of games that aren’t powered by electronics, but I guess I will give Tinker Toys a chance. Bill Belichick may be the best “Tinkerer” in the NFL and the Patriots are going to smash the Jets to earn home field advantage thoughout the playoffs.
Pittsburgh Steelers (-13.5) over Cleveland Browns. I only got one video game this year, but it was the one I wanted...Minecraft Story Mode Season Two. Do you want to hear another story? Once upon a time, the Cleveland Browns hired a coach by the name of Hue Jackson. He sucks. The end. Pittsburgh wins this one due to incompetence from the Cleveland sidelines.
San Francisco 49ers (+4) over Los Angeles Rams. Don’t tell my mom this, but my dad gave me a year subscription to Playboy for Christmas. He said I’m four now and since I’m a man, it’s time I start acting like one. Well, if there is one guy in the league that’s going to be the next “Playboy” it’s Jimmy GQ, Jimmy Garoppolo. He’s got the rugged good looks that Ryan Hallam loves in a guy, and he should lead the Niners to a win over the Rams.
New Orleans Saints (-7.5) over Tampa Bay Buccaneers. New Orleans is still playing for the division and a home game in the Wild Card round, so I think they are going to be going all out against the struggling Bucs.
Washington Redskins (-3.5) over New York Giants. The Giants have been imploding this entire season and this past week brought tales of players calling other players a locker room cancer. That’s not a recipe for success and Kirk Cousins will light them up in his last game before getting paid.
Minnesota Vikings (-12.5) over Chicago Bears. The Vikings are currently sitting with a first round bye, but if they lose and Carolina wins, they can find themselves in a position to have to play next week. I don’t see that happening against a Bears team who should have a hard time scoring against the stingy Minnesota defense.
Los Angeles Chargers (-7.5) over Oakland Raiders. Derek Carr and Amari Cooper have been disappointing and now Michael Crabtree is dealing with a hamstring injury. The Chargers need a win to get into the playoffs while the Raiders are playing for nothing, which is ironically the same thing Santa got me for Christmas.
San Francisco 49ers (+4) over Los Angeles Rams. The Rams have already said they are resting Jared Goff and Todd Gurley, and I wouldn’t be surprised to see them rest others both on offense and defense. Jimmy G dismantled the tough Jacksonville defense last week and he should have a field day this week against some lesser competition. I can feel Ryan’s Pants getting a little tighter right now
Last chance for this Fighting Chance Hockey King to break even and bat .500 in my picks, which I did very little research into, used my gut, and it gets larger with each Christmas cookie to pass within my grasp. So no longer putting off the inevitable undefeated week I’m going to throw up this weekend, or throw up after my results, we shall see, now to the picks.
Detroit Lions -7 over Green Bay Packers. Going to end the season on a high note, and since the scum-bag Lions can go lower in disappointing their rabidly loyal fan base, there is no way to go but up. The Lions are favored by a touchdown and will cover this, had Aaron Rodgers been suited up, the Lions would have somehow blew up again. At home, inside from the temps that Green Bay usually plays in at Lambeau, but inside this weekend, I really like the Stafford to Ebron combo that screwed me out of my Fighting Chance Experts Championship, after sucking ass all year, Ebron has turned it around and can now walk and chew gum, and catch a shit ton of passes! Give me the Lions to cover and leave us with a glimmer of hope to the “Until Next Year” every Lions fan has tattooed on our foreheads.
Minnesota Vikings -12 over Chicago Bears. The Vikings are favored by a large twelve and a half over the visiting Bears, and I see absolutely no reasons or chances that the Bears have this week in Minnesota. I really don’t feel there is much to elaborate on for this game that hasn’t been seen all year from the Bears to convince me to change my mind. Vikings good, Bears really bad, give me the Vikes.
Seattle Seahawks -8 over Arizona Cardinals. Seattle must win for any chance of making it into the playoffs, favored by eight, at home, against the Cardinals of Arizona. The first incarnation of St. Louis that left that sports heaven for some idiotic greedy reason, sorry St. Louis. Enough about the sorry past of St. Louis football teams leaving like the wind, Seattle not only covers, but decimates the Cards in convincing fashion to try and seal their playoff fate.
Carolina Panthers +3.5 over Atlanta Falcons. Carolina is headed to Atlanta in another very meaningful game for Atlanta, and the Falcons are favored by three and a half, does Carolina bench it’s starters or do they ruin Matt Ryan’s very piss poor season and Atlanta’s playoff hopes? I’m guessing Atlanta wins this game, but fails to cover the points, this will be a very close fought battle even if Carolina takes the foot off the gas. They’re in if they win and Seattle losses, but I don’t expect Seattle to lose, so give me the Panthers too keep it close, within the three and a half.
Los Angeles Chargers -7.5 over Oakland Raiders. My childhood favorite Chargers are a seven and a half point favorite, and they also need help to secure a playoff spot after starting the season 0-4. To make it into the Wild Card round, they’ll need to not only defeat the Raiders, but will need a Titans loss AND either a Bills loss or Ravens win. So like I said, they need to JuJu on this and I’m not talking the Steelers rookie WR Phenom either. The Raiders are absolutely pathetic and I see them pissing on the mat by the door that ends this horrid season for them, and the Chargers cover the spread.
Carolina Panthers +3.5 over Atlanta Falcons. The Panthers can be anywhere from the two seed to the five seed and you better believe they will be playing their asses off. I haven’t been impressed with Atlanta all season long and I can’t believe I’m getting points with Cam and the Panthers. Give me this one all day every day.
Cleveland Browns +13.5 over Pittsburgh Steelers. I’m not sure how the Steelers get the luck of finishing every season with the Browns on their schedule but here we are again. Now, I fully expect the Steelers to win this game, in fact I would consider betting a limb on it. However, I expect the Steelers to let off the gas some, or sit a number of their players and for the Browns to hang around. Pittsburgh wins, but by 13 points or less.
Washington Redskins -3.5 over New York Giants. The Giants have had one of the worst seasons in franchise history and I am sure their players have checked out. My only hesitation in this pick is that I think this will be Eli Manning’s last game at Giants Stadium wearing blue and he might want to go out with a bang. But the rest of the team sucks assholes and I think Washington wins easily.
Los Angeles Chargers -7.5 over Oakland Raiders. Oakland has been one of the bigger disappointments of the season, while the Chargers have been one of the better stories. The Bolts still have a shot at a playoff spot and will be giving it their all. I can’t say I expect the same effort from the Raiders. Give me Los Angeles to win by two touchdowns.
San Francisco 49ers +4 over Los Angeles Rams. I have had a five foot boner over the 49ers this last month, and if you recall last week I was the only one who picked them and these other four assholes all picked Jacksonville. Well, me and my new best friend Jimmy Garoppolo had the last laugh as the Niners beat up on the AFC South champions. They will take down their second straight division winner this weeks with the Rams who were too scared that the Niners would beat them badly that they are sitting their starters so they have an excuse. I see no reason why Jimmy G can’t lead San Fran to victory over the Rams B team. My final pick of the year is my Niners over the Rams.