Five Game Parlay: Week 2
One week is in the books and the Five Game Parlay is on! No one really did poorly with half of our field is under .500, half is over .500, and one is at .500. Yeah, I know the math doesn’t add up, but after enough whiskey, trust me, it adds up. I’m excited to see what this week’s picks bring so lets get to them right away. Here are the standings after one week, and everyone’s picks.
Tennessee Titans -1.5 at Jacksonville Jaguars. I don’t love to take underdogs at home, but this one seems easy. I know the Jaguars looked great last week in dispatching of the Texans, but I don’t believe that is the true Jacksonville team. The Titans lost to a great Oakland team last week, and I expect them to slap Jacksonville’s ass and win by a touchdown.
New England Patriots -7 at New Orleans Saints. Give Bill Belicheck ten days to prepare after coming off a kind of embarrassing loss at home and he will destroy you. I see the Pats winning this one by two touchdowns. The Aints don’t have the defense to do what the Chiefs did to Brady, and look for Brandin Cooks to have a big day against his former team.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers -7 over Chicago Bears. I don’t know that I can call the extra week to prepare a huge advantage for the Buccaneers, but it has to help right? I expect a lot out of Tampa this season, and I think the Bears are going to be that four win team that we expect. I know they almost won last week, but I’m not putting much stock in that one. Go Bucs!
Oakland Raiders -14 over New York Jets. Jets suck, can we just move on? I know they kind of stayed close to Buffalo last week, but Oakland is like a fine filet mignon and Buffalo is a pile of ground beef. Raiders could win this one by 30.
Green Bay Packers +3 over Atlanta Falcons. I am not a fan of the Falcons this year, as I think the expectations are going to be too high after last year when…..well, you know what happened. The suck ass Bears had four shots at a last second touchdown to beat Atlanta, and now I am getting a field goal against one of the best teams in football? Seems like an no brainer to me.
Who's in first place after Week 1...this big boy! No wonder they didn't want me in their stupid competition last year. (Editor’s Note: Ummmmmm, I guess at four years old math isn’t Sawyer’s strong suit. You aren’t in first place. Guess your dad must have taught you math. Tough luck kid!) I'm looking to build on my Week 1 success and put the hurting on these chumps with another great week. A little over a week ago, I celebrated my fourth birthday, so I'm going to pick my winners based on the gifts I got. Easy Peasy!
New England Patriots (-7) over New Orleans Saints. I'm pretty pumped because I got my very own Nintendo DS this year. My effing dad was too cheap to by a brand new one, but I guess a used one will fit the bill. At least until I destroy it like I do every other thing I own, that is. The New England/New Orleans game has all the makings of a high scoring, video game shootout, so in honor of my DS, give me Touchdown Tom for the win over the dude with the mole.
Oakland Raiders (-14) over New York Jets. I like to play cops and robbers, so my grandpa got me a police station set that came with a police car, motorcycle and a bunch of other cool stuff. As you can guess, I like to play the part of the "robber", so I'm going to side with the "Thugs", that call themselves Raider fans and pick Oakland to spank the Jets.
Kansas City Chiefs (-4.5) over Philadelphia Eagles. I kind of have a penchant for hurting things, so my dad, who tends to be a bit of an enabler at times, bought me a bow and arrow set. He doesn't trust me with a real one, so this one has suction cups on the tips of the arrows, but it will be good practice for when I get older. I'm not politically correct, so let's get the Tomahawk chop going as KC and the injuns, shoot down the Eagles in Philly.
San Francisco 49ers (+13.5) over Seattle Seahawks. Another gift I received this year was an awesome, Marshmallow Blaster gun. It shoots up to 40 feet and after the first day of having this thing, the damn dog looks just like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters. Anyways, marshmallows make me think of big, fat offensive lineman, and since the Seahawks have the worst O-Line in the NFL, I pick the Niners to cover the spread.
Arizona Cardinals (-7) over Indianapolis Colts. Finally, I received the game Jenga. My grandma likes to play that game with me, and I love when all the pieces come crashing down. You know what else is crashing down right now? The season for the Indianapolis Colts. They got destroyed by the Rams and the Cardinals should do the same things in Week 2. I think the Cards win this by three touchdowns.
Arizona Cardinals (-7) over Indianapolis Colts. Without Andrew Luck, I think the Colts may be the worst team in the NFL. Yes, I think they are even worse than the New York Jets. I don't care that Arizona will be without David Johnson because I fully expect to them to move the ball at will against this porous Indy defense. I'm not sure the Colts will be able to even muster a single field goal against this defense, and this has the makings of a complete blowout.
Minnesota Vikings (+6) over Pittsburgh Steelers. I know it was against a poor, New Orleans defense, but I am liking this Minnesota offense. With the addition of Dalvin Cook, they now have a running game, they have two really good receivers in Stefon Diggs and Adam Thielen, and have a pretty darn good tight end as well. Throw in a really good defense, and I think the Vikings are going to be a team to contend with in the playoffs. I'm not sure if they will pull out the win in Pittsburgh, but six points is just way too much and they should cover easily.
Los Angeles Rams (-2.5) over Washington Redskins. I think head coach Sean McVay is going to do good things with this Rams offense. Even though it was against the Colts, they were very impressive in Week 1. I think the loss of Desean Jackson is going to hurt Kirk Cousins more than I originally thought, and until he gets on the same page as Terrelle Pryor, I think Cousins may have a few bad weeks. Give me the Rams to beat the team traveling from one coast to the other.
Miami Dolphins (+5) over Los Angeles Chargers. This one comes down to one thing. The Dolphins had a Week 1 bye and have had extra time to prepare for the Chargers who played on Monday Night Football, giving them even one less day to prepare for this game. I will take the fresher team and think the Dolphins could win this one outright.
Jacksonville Jaguars (+1.5) over Tennessee Titans. While I like my picks for the first four games, I don't really feel good about any of the other games. I guess I'm going to go with the Jaguars with my last pick, who have quietly built one of the most impressive defensive units in the league. Throw in rookie Leonard Fournette, and they could be a really good team once they improve at the quarterback position. As is, I think they have enough to take out the Titans in a tough divisional matchup at home.
Green Bay Packers +3 over Atlanta Falcons. A A Ron Rodgers (Key & Peele reference) will lead the rest of the Pack into the dirty, dirty of Atlanta to face Matty Ice and the Falcons. Much like the skit, if A A Ron is sick, dead or mute the Packers offense will find it hard to put points on the board this Sunday night. Since Rodgers is 100% healthy and good to go, I doubt that will be a concern. I believe this will be a high scoring affair and with the point spread giving me three, I expect the Packers to have no problem winning this one.
Arizona Cardinals -7 over Indianapolis Colts. Let’s all be brutally honest here for a second; Neither the Cardinals nor the Colts looked very good last week. Carson Palmer only threw for 1 TD while throwing 3 INTs. David Johnson, the number 1 pick in a BUNCH of fantasy leagues went down and is heading to the IR for 2-3 months. My own wife, who had the first pick in our league, picked Johnson over Antonio Brown OR Le’Veon Bell! I’m STILL giving her crap for that one! I TOLD HER! While losing Johnson IS a huge loss for the Cardinals, I feel beating a Colts team that will once again be without their franchise quarterback Andrew Luck is a hard task.
New England Patriots -7 over New Orleans Saints. Before last Sunday’s games kicked off, I found joy in one simple fact. The Patriots had the worst record in football at 0-1. I’m not going to sit here and lie by saying I’m not jealous of their success as a franchise in recent memory of my Steelers. The Patriots embarrassed the Steelers in the AFC Championship last year and while the Steelers as a whole have 6 Super Bowl titles, Tom Brady alone has 5! The Patriots are mad they lost on opening night and will be looking to beat down whoever is next to prove they still got it. Unfortunately for the New Orleans, they’re next. Look for the Pats to score early and often in this one. For those of us fortunate enough to have Tom Brady as our fantasy QB have no fear of a repeat of last week’s performance. To quote a certain Marvel superhero, don’t make Tom Brady angry. You won’t like him when he’s angry.
Kansas City Chiefs -4.5 over Philadelphia Eagles. Alex Smith, 300+ passing yards and 4 TDs. Kareem Hunt, 17 carries for 148 yards and a TD. Tyreek Hill! 7 catches for 133 yards and a touchdown! IN New England! ON opening night! Those are some Madden numbers right there! I think this performance will energize the Chiefs and their fan base as the Philadelphia Eagles come to town.
Los Angeles Rams -2.5 over Washington Redskins. Wow, I’m still not used to writing something besides St. Louis in front of the Rams. Jared Goff led the Rams to a victory last week over the Indianapolis Colts 46-9. While I don’t like their stadium (Just ask Ryan. I complained about it on multiple occasions), (Editors Note: He did complain about the stadium multiple times, I'm friends with a crazy person) I do like the fact that Todd Gurley is showing signs of returning to his past greatness as a running back. I believethis trend will continue and lead the Rams to a Week 2 win over the Washington Redskins.
Kansas City Chiefs -4.5 over Philadelphia Eagles. Kansas City looked like The Greatest Show on Turf last week, and will cover the 4 1/2 At home vs. The Iggles with their tough as nails defense.
Baltimore Ravens -7.5 over Cleveland Browns. Baltimore looked awesome last week but was it their defense or the ineptitude of Andy Daltons suck ass? I’ll take the Ravens to cover the 7 1/2 at home against Ohio's third suckiest team behind the Bungles and asslick Ohio State Buckeyes.
Seattle Seahawks -13.5 over San Francisco 49ers. Even on the road, the Niners are still a professional squad, and 13 1/2 is a big number even for the best defense in the NFL. This one isn’t as solid in my heart as the first two games, but Seattle will lay to waste the young Niners, sorry Ryan. I love them too but I’d bet my fishing boat on this one. (Editors Note: This is now two weeks and two picks against the 49ers Patrick. I am taking notes!)
Minnesota Vikings +6 over Pittsburgh Steelers. Last week the Vikings looked like champions and showed us how awesome they look with everyone healthy and growing players. Yes Big Ben kills it at home, but there are holes in the Steel Curtain and the Vikes will cover in this road shootout.
Chicago Bears +7 over Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Even though the Bears suck, they showed up last week and this is still only Tampa Bay’s first game and there will be kinks in the plan as all teams have in week one, the Bears will cover the seven this week on the road