Five Game Parlay: Week 3
Well, we had a complete 180 in the standings from the first week. Joe and Ryan who were at the top of the heap in Week 1, laid a hot diarrhea in the bed in Week 2, only winning one game each. Brian Drake and Patrick Wisniewski who got off to rough starts, both won three of their five this past week. And Steve Rapin continues to be (like in all facets of his life) average. Here are the updated standings with last week’s results in parentheses, and then the picks. Enjoy folks!
Brian 5-5 (3-2)
Polka 5-5 (3-2)
Steve 4-5-1 (2-3)
Joe 4-6 (1-4)
Ryan 4-6 (1-4)
Last week I walked into the center of the ring and took the championship belt. This week I lay the smack down all the rest of this panel WWE style.
Philadelphia Eagles -6.5 over Indianapolis Colts. Let me tell ya something Mean Gene, when Wentzamania rolls into the Linc all the little Eagle fans will stand up and cheer. They’ve said their prayers, ate their vitamins, and now Carson Wentz is gonna drop the leg and pin the Colts for the 1-2-3. Whatcha gonna do when Carson Wentz and the birds run wild on you!!!??!?
Chicago Bears -6 over Arizona Cardinals. Ohhhhhhh yea Matt Nagy has the Bears fans thinkin’ playoffs uh huh. Ohhh brother this Macho Man knows in the NFL the cream rises to the top and a little birdy told me Jordan Howard will score twice this week. Oh yea...Dig it!!!
Minnesota Vikings -16.5 over Buffalo Bills. Are you ready? I said... ARE YOU READY? For the thousands in attendance and millions reading around the world, LET’S GET READY TO COVERRRRRRRRR!!!!! Buffalo shocks the the football world. No they don’t win, the show the NFL just how bad they truly are. Josh Allen leads his band of Degenerates to a 20 point loss. I’ve got two words for ya: VIKINGS COVER!
Green Bay Packers -3 over Washington Redskins. Oh yes, you thought you killed Aaron Rodgers but the dead man has risen and he’s taking souls of all his opponents. My Green Bay Undertaker throws for 300 and 3 and the Redskins will REST IN PEACE.
New England Patriots blow out -6.5 over Detroit Lions. The GOAT says know your role Matt Patricia and shut your mouth. The first thing the GOAT is gonna do find his new toy Josh Gordon for a 1st quarter score. Then the millions..... and millions of the GOATS fans will lose their chowder loving minds as he takes his size 14 cleat, shines it up real nice, turns that son of a bitch sideways and jams it right up the Lions candy ass. If ya smell what the GOAT is cooking.
Minnesota Vikings -16.5 over Buffalo Bills. The first game I love is Minnesota continuing the whooping’s on poor Buffalo, rest easy Bills fan, hockey is starting soon and the Sabres will be better than last season. I’m betting the Sabres may actually score more than the Bills in this game. Take the Vikes and the sweet 16 ½
Kansas City Chiefs -6.5 over San Francisco 49ers. I also really love the Chiefs at home versus the 49er’s at home, neither defense is worth owning except in the deepest leagues, and this game should be a high scoring affair, at least for Kansas City and the new two-week Drew Brees, in Patrick Mahomes, give me K.C. and 6 ½
Los Angeles Chargers +7 over Los Angeles Rams. Next is the Battle of Los Angeles, and no, I don’t mean the killer Rage Against the Machine CD, I mean the Rams hosting the Chargers. I know the Rams are many peoples favorites to go deep into the playoffs, but seven is too big of a spread against Phil Rivers and the Chargers high powered offense. Take (San Diego) L.A. Chargers to cover the seven.
Green Bay Packers -3 over Washington Redskins. Green Bay is going to murder the Redskins in Washington this weekend, call the police in advance, a crime will happen, and only laying a three spot. Take the Packers and a gimpy Rodgers all day and Sunday, which is the game day of course. Packers cover the three.
Miami Dolphins -3 over Oakland Raiders. I also really like the Dolphins to cover the field goal they’re giving the Raiders. Yes, Miami, Not sold yet on the Oakland running game, and their defense now has a huge gaping hole where Khalil Mack used to play, and Miami will have time and space to cover the three.
New Orleans Saints (+3) over Atlanta Falcons. I like jambalaya. I like beignets. I like voodoo. I like Drew Brees, Alvin Kamara, and Michael Thomas, and I think they are going to carve up the Falcons defense like a Halloween Jack-O-Lantern.
Miami Dolphins (-3) over Oakland Raiders. In the previous pick, I mentioned some things that I like. As my partner Ryan Hallam can attest to, I also like sleep. No…I love sleep. I think the young kids in the NFL love sleep as well, so that’s why I always get nervous about West Coast teams travelling to the East Coast and playing in the 1pm games. It gets them off their sleep schedule. These kids need their beauty rest and Oakland will be “off” because they don’t get their normal 11 hours of sleep a night that I get.
Green Bay Packers (-3) over Washington Redskins. I do worry about Aaron Rodgers’ knee, but as long as he’s healthy, there’s no reason why the Packers should only be field goal favorites over the Redskins. Aaron Jones return from a two-game suspension and maybe he can give their running attack a bit of a jumpstart.
San Francisco 49ers (+6.5) over Kansas City Chiefs. This game should be an absolute shootout and with the Chiefs’ defense being as bad as they are, it wouldn’t surprise me in the least bit if the Niners won by a touchdown instead of Kansas City, who are the current favorites. Grab your popcorn, because this game should be a fun one to watch!
Pittsburgh Steelers (-1) over Tampa Bay Buccaneers. We all know that Big Ben isn’t great on the road, but one exception to that is when he plays in a Primetime game. Per Rich Hribar’s weekly Worksheet column this week, Roethlisberger has averaged over 295 yards passing in his last five Primetime games that were on the road and I think he, Antonio Brown and Juju will have big games on Monday Night Football. I can also see
Connor McGregor Ryan Fitzpatrick showing us he’s human this week and not the reincarnation of Dan Marino. The Steelers could win this one by a touchdown or more.
Jacksonville Jaguars (-7) over Tennessee Titans. This has the potential to be a Blaine Gabbert revenge game. If Mariota doesn’t play again, Gabbert can avenge the humiliation of having the Jags give up on him after they had selected him with the 10th overall pick of the 2011 NFL draft. He can but he won’t. The Jags defense will stuff the Titans in a low scoring game, but they will win.
Minnesota Vikings (-16.5) over Buffalo Bills. This spread is actually too low. This Bills team is a mess. Zay Jones’ mom is schooling Kelvin Benjamin on how to lineup on a football field on Twitter, defensive back Vontae Davis retires at halftime, LeSean McCoy has cracked ribs and terrible accusations levied against him. The Vikings jump out to an early lead with Stefon Diggs, Adam Thielen and Kyle Rudolph all scoring TDs in the first half. From there Latavius Murray gains chunks of yards and chimes in with two TDs of his own. Vikings 38, Bills zero point zero.
Houston Texans (-6) over New York Giants. It pains me to make this prediction as a Giants fan but this will be Deshaun Watson’s coming out party. Giants have no pass rush and Watson will have all day to weave in and out of traffic and find Will Fuller for a couple of TDs. The Giants’ schedule gets easier later in the season but for now they’ll take their third straight loss of the 2018 season.
New England Patriots (-6.5) over Detroit Lions. This game represents a perfect storm. The Patriots are coming off of a loss and coach Bill Belichick is itching to squash his long time defensive coordinator who has the nerve to think that he has what it takes to be the head coach of an NFL franchise. This could get ugly.
Tampa Bay Bucs (+1) over the Pittsburgh Steelers. The Steelers will be winless after three games and the cries for head coach Mike Tomlin’s ouster will grow louder and louder. Big Ben can’t play on the road, Antonio Brown is mad and the Tampa Bay Bucs have a high powered offense that will keep chugging along just to tick Jameis Winston off. The Steelers defense has been horrible and will get mugged on Monday night. Tampa Bay wins!!
New Orleans Saints +3 over Atlanta Falcons. Falcons have lost multiple players due to injury in this short season, including running back Devonta Freeman. The Saints might have had their hands full with the Browns last week, but I think they are good enough to win this one outright.
Houston Texans -6 over New York Giants. The Giants are a giant fucking mess. The offensive line is worse than ever, Eli is sucking ass, and they can’t score points. I know the Texans are 0-2 also and haven’t looked great. But I’ve been horrified from what I’ve seen from Big Blue. Give me Watson and the Texans to get well in this one.
Chicago Bears -6 over Arizona Cardinals. Did I mention the Giants are a mess? The Cardinals are a shit show! Their offense might be worse! No, it’s definitely worse! Give the ball to David Johnson ya assholes! And get garbage Sam Bradford the hell out of there! The Cards best hope is that Khalil Mack impants Bradford into the ground and Josh Rosen has to come in. But against this defense I don’t expect the Arizona offensive woes to improve.
New England Patriots -6.5 over Detroit Lions. The possibly only bigger pile of shit than the Giants are Cardinals are the Lions! They gave San Francisco a scare late, but everything you read is how dysfunctional the team is! Outside of Kenny Golladay there’s not much to be excited about here. And it’s hard to give a home underdog nearly a touchdown but I can see Belicheck wanting to put his thumb square in the middle of Patricia’s giant forehead and squash them into the ground. AND they are coming off a loss? Belicheck is really gonna be pissed. Pats by 20.
San Francisco 49ers +6.5 over Kansas City Chiefs. The Chiefs and Pat Mahomes can’t keep up this pace all year. This one is a bit of a homer pick I admit, and I think Kansas City will win, but I think the Niners can keep it close and cover the spread. 27-24 Chiefs.