Five Game Parlay: Week 5
Welcome back to the Five Game Parlay! It was a much better week for our prognosticators in Week 4……with the exception of Steve of course. My crabby ass partner was the only one under .500 last week with a total hot mess of a 1-4 week. Lucky for him he was ahead before that so the standings have stayed close. Patrick and Brian were a very respectable 3-2, I had a great 4-1 week (thanks Eagles, you assholes!), and Joe Gallina followed up an 0-5 with a perfect 5-0 record in Week 4! Congrats Joe! Lets get to the standings and our picks for Week 5.
Patrick 10-10 (3-2)
Drake 10-10 (3-2)
Joe 9-11 (5-0)
Ryan 9-11 (4-1)
Steve 8-11-1 (1-4)
And heeeeeeere are the picks!
New Orleans Saints -7 over Washington Redskins. As I struggle to stay at .500 I’m going to try for a perfect 5-0 this week. Game one that has me interested is New Orleans hosting the Redskins, and a touchdown is way too little a point spread at home for the Saints. Mark Ingram returns, Michael Thomas had a down week last week and Alvin Kamara is absolutely unstoppable, so take the Saints and the seven, I am.
Denver Broncos +2 over New York Jets. Denver being a road dog isn’t unusual, but against the Jets? Please, Denver has offensive weapons to put up enough of a fight, while the Jets, well they’re still the same old Jets to me, and it will be a year or two for my verdict on Sam Darnold to be final, so give me the Bronco’s getting the two.
Houston Texans -3 over Dallas Cowboys. Dallas getting a field goal in Houston seems too little, yes Houston can score with the best of them, but Lamar Miller hasn’t shown me shit, only Elementary my dear Watson, Nuk and perennial gimp Will Fuller the 18th have when healthy. Dallas showed me some stones last week against the mediocre to sucky Lions defense, but still not enough, I’ll take Houston to cover the three spot.
Detroit Lions +1.5 over Green Bay Packers. The reason for my subpar season is my Detroit Lions, this week they’re a 1 ½ point home favorite, and after letting Ezekiel Elliott run all over them last week, the Green Bay duo/trio of RB may have to be the total offense this weekend as Randall Cobb and Geronimo ‘For God and Country” Allison are dinged up, so the Lions better figure out how to stop the run and Aaron Rodgers. Again, I will take the Lions to cover the 1 ½
Atlanta Falcons +3 over Pittsburgh Steelers. Lastly, I wish I could take the over in the Pittsburgh/Atlanta game, but we cannot, but I like the Falcons to cover the three they’re getting on the road. I know the Steelers can tear it up at home, and can score at will, but they also cannot stop anyone, and the Birds of Prey can also score at will and they will. They will not only score often, but enough to keep it within the three they’re getting.
Jacksonville Jaguars +3 over Kansas City Chiefs. Jacksonville wins outright over KC. Bortles throws for 400 and 4. Mahomes doesn’t crack 250yds.
Atlanta Falcons +3 over Pittsburgh Steelers. Pittsburgh can’t cover 3 vs Atlanta. Steelers still win but only by 1. AB gets his. 200 and 2 for the toe tap king.
Oakland Raiders +6 over Los Angeles Chargers. Chargers can’t hold off Oakland with 6pts. Oakland loses by a field goal. Shootout that nets 60 total points.
Los Angeles Rams -7 over Seattle Seahawks. Rams easily cover 7pt spread. Win by 20. Gurley scores as does all three Rams receivers.
New York Giants +7 over Carolina Panthers. Giants lose but only by 6. Carolina can’t cover -7. Funchess has a big day. CMC scores. Barkley bottled up.
Tennessee Titans (- 3.5) over BUFFALO BILLS. The Bills reverted back to their old bad selves and by bad I don’t mean good. I mean bad. Their offensive line is a disaster and let Josh Allen get sacked seven times in Week Four. At the same time the Titans are pretty good at attacking the QB, having registered the fifth most sacks in football. The Titans passing game showed signs of life in Week 4 and the Bills have yielded the third most rushing TDs in the NFL so who knows, maybe Titans RB Derrick Henry may make an appearance in this game. The Titans should enjoy a comfortable road win and cover the spread rather easily.
Jacksonville Jaguars (+3) over KANSAS CITY CHIEFS. Sooner or later Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes is going to hit a wall and even though he’s playing at home, the Jaguars defense is going to teach the second year QB a lesson. The Jaguars defense will be that proverbial glass of water that gets splashed in his and makes him face reality. What is that reality? The reality is that he’s human. The Jags D will take a page out of the original Spiderman movie with Tobey Maguire. Remember when Aunt May told a young Peter Parker “you’re not Superman you know” in the original Spiderman movie with Tobey Maguire? Well it’ll be like that, with the Jaguars officially welcoming Mahomes to the NFL and reminding him that he’s not Superman or Spiderman or anyone in the Justice League or the Avengers.
New York Giants (+7) over Carolina Panthers. Odell Beckham was trying to light a fire under his team. Will it work? It remains to be seen. I’m not sure if the Giants are going to win this game but their defense has been playing better than expected and even though they gave up 33 points to the Saints last week, that game was close for a while. Giants GM Dave Gettleman is the former Carolina Panthers GM. Is he going to try to rally the troops for this Gettleman “revenge game”? Yes! That’s why the Giants will cover!! It’s the Dave Gettleman revenge game factor!! (Editors Note: *cough* homer pick *cough*)
Seattle Seahawks (+7) over Los Angeles Rams. These two teams have played all kinds of games against each other over the past few years. There’ve been blowouts, defensive struggles and there’s no real home field advantage when these two teams meet. The Seahawks were pummeled by the Rams at home by a score of 42-7 in their last meeting on 12.17.17 and I’m sure that has to be on their mind. The Rams are one of the better teams in football but they did give up 31 points to the Vikings in Week Four. These two teams know each other very well. Again, the Seahawks might not win but I think they’ll make a game of it.
San Francisco 49ers (-4) over the Arizona Cardinals. Yep, I’m betting on 49ers QB C.J. Beathard but let’s face it even with rookie QB Josh Rosen behind center the Cardinals are one of the worst teams in football. Beathard might not have to do it all himself. Matt Breida should be looking forward to running against a Cardinal defense that has given up a league high seven TDs to opposing RBs. I don’t expect a high scoring game. A 17-10 49ers win sounds about right.
Green Bay Packers -1 over Detroit Lions. Even with everyone and their mother banged up in the Packer receiving corps I still think they will be able to beat the Lions. Detroit is always good enough to keep it close, but like Steve on Prom Night, they can’t close. Polka and Rapin cry another week away as the Pack pops the Lions.
Cincinnati Bengals -5.5 over Miami Dolphins. The Dolphins were brought back to Earth last week by the Patriots, and while I don’t think the Bengals are that good, I think they keep the good start going. The line is a bit high for my liking, but I don’t think that Miami can score with Cincinnati so I feel fairly confident I have this one in the bag.
Minnesota Vikings +3 over Philadelphia Eagles. Two defenses that haven’t played nearly as well as we thought they would coming into the season. As much as I love Carson Wentz, I still trust Minnesota’s offense more. Even though they gave up 14 billion points to the Rams offense last week, Kirk Cousins was still able to light up the scoreboard against a tough Rams D. Give me Minny and the points as Drake will be hitting the keg by midway through the third quarter.
Los Angeles Rams -7 over Seattle Seahawks. The Rams are just a fucking machine. I don’t know if they can be stopped. We might have to bring John Conner back from the future to stop them! Seattle has shown a little bit of a pulse the past couple of weeks, but they aren’t any good. I think the Rams win this one by two touchdowns.
Houston Texans -3 over Dallas Cowboys. Houston’s offense can score points. Dallas struggles to score. They are completely one dimensional right now. With a manly defensive front in Houston, I think they will keep Zeke in check enough, while Deshaun Watson is just starting to find his stride.
I’m so confident this week, I’m putting scores for each game. If you’re reading this article, take out a second mortgage on your house and head to Vegas with my picks, because I’m going 5-0 this week, baby!!!
Baltimore Ravens (-3) over Cleveland Browns. I think this game will show us that while Cleveland is still a team on the rise, they aren’t quite ready to compete for the Division title just yet. Jimmy Smith is returning from his four-game suspension and I think this Ravens defense will give the rookie, Mayfield fits all day. Ravens win 27-17
Tennessee Titans (-3.5) over Buffalo Bills. While I don’t think the Ravens are as good as their record indicates, I think this is a great matchup for them. Buffalo has allowed 19 sacks through four games, which is the most since 2007, and the Titans are tied for seventh in the league in sacks in 2018. They should be able to make life very uncomfortable for Josh Allen on Sunday and I wouldn’t be surprised if we see a Titans defensive touchdown (or two). Titans win 24-10
Arizona Cardinals (+4) over San Francisco 49ers. The signs are there that David Johnson finally may be getting on track. His snap percentage has increased each week, his share of the team’s touches has increased each week, and they finally took the training wheels off of him last week as he was given 22 rushing attempts. I think Josh Rosen will continue to improve and I feel that the Cardinals won’t only cover, but they will win outright. Give me the Cards 24-23 over the Niners
Seattle Seahawks (+7) over Los Angeles Rams. I will be short and sweet with this one. While I like the Rams a lot, they aren’t going to win every game by three touchdowns. Division games are usually hard-fought battles and Seattle has one of the best home field advantages in the NFL. The Rams win, but it’s closer than what people think it will be. Rams win 31-27
Houston Texans (-3) over Dallas Cowboys. All the 2017 Deshaun Watson hype has shifted over to Pat Mahomes in 2018, but Watson has quietly been playing good football. He was a bit rusty in Week 1, but in the last three weeks, he has thrown for over 300 yards with two touchdowns in each game. I think he keeps that going in Week 5 against Cowgirls. Texans 27-20 over Dallas